The article is The Guardian’s ‘Premier League team’s ineptitude index’ for 2018/19, and, sadly, we rank in the top, or rather bottom, ten after each category.
The ‘commemoration of cackhandedness’ looks into goalkeepers who often help the other side achieve success, teams that cannot put the ball in the net from inside twelve yards, players who find the opponent from throw-ins, and who likes to rip their shirt off in celebration, even though they know a yellow card follows.
For throwing the ball straight to the opponent, we come home in joint-fifth place, with Leicester City, Southampton and Watford, as we have gifted the other side possession this way 157 times – Cardiff players have launched the ball away from their teammates on a Premier League-high 309 occasions.
Goalkeeper ineptitude is another area where we have struggled this year – thank you Jordan Pickford – as our, and England’s, number one has made four errors which have directly led to goals, something only Bournemouth’s Asmir Begovic (five) can better, or rather worse.
Pickford was not alone in making errors this season, though, as at least he managed to find a teammate with more than 41% of his goal kicks, which cannot be said for Cardiff’s Neil Etheridge (57% of his have found the opponent), Watford’s Ben Foster (48.6%), and Burnley’s Tom Heaton (43.4%).
We also rank highly after defensive ineptitude, missed penalties (with three), failing to score, and giving the ball away in our own half of the pitch.
Altogether, it meant we were deemed the third most inept side in the Premier League this season, behind Brighton and Cardiff, and yet some way ahead of the already-relegated Huddersfield and Fulham.
When The Guardian’s ineptitude ratings were shared on the Grand Old Team forum, this is what some fans had to say…
“Good to see we are third in the general ineptitude category in The Guardian. Top seven in each of the ten categories. That shows how rubbish the players and the management are.
“Pickford is also in top four of the worst keepers in the premier league. Something to be proud of for the nutcase!
“[Marco] Silva was in the top three every year he managed. Yes, but give him time until Christmas!” – Lungo (April 19, 10:33)
“You mean there’s worse than us? Party time lads!” – Thomasc (April 19, 10:36)
“We’ve been inept for about 30 years.” – Ijjysmith (April 19, 10:52)
“Has the club at heart but constantly let down by Major Incompetence and Lieutenant Inadequacy.” – McBain (April 19, 11:10)
“Absolutely cannot believe the rs are bottom of that list for not getting carded for simulation.
“Then again, given the WWF scriptwriters are employed by the FA these days, perhaps I can.” – Chrismpw (April 19, 11:14)
“I’m so proud” – GwaldysBlue (April 19, 11:15)
“I’m surprised we’re not top in every category mentioned and many that aren’t.” – Degsy (April 19, 11:30)
“Cut out a lot of the silly stuff in that article and you’d see a lot of benefits. Do the little things well and it makes a difference.” – Yarrgh (April 19, 11:46)
“…but we’re still here at the top table. Many would swap places.” – Eggs (April 19, 11:52)
“This is exactly why Marco is the right man for the job, he knows and upholds the Everton Way” – MarkHollis (April 19, 13:53)